Ten days until Christmas. But whatever you celebrate—Hanukkah, Kwanza, or something else—this is a high pressure season for stepfamilies.

There’s the financial pressure of the recession, first of all, which is wrecking emotional havoc on Americans according to an article in today’s New York Times . Stepfamilies may be feeling very particular, additional economic pressure and stress at holiday time. How to pay for kids not in residence to come to Dad’s house? How much to spend on presents? How to feel happy if you’re unemployed or staring financial uncertainty in the face—with two sets of kids to support, as many divorced dads are?

Then there’s the pressure to be “just like family” over the holidays. Owing to our cultural script about homemaking, women are often the designated Martha Stewarts in the partnership, so stepmothers may be feeling great pressure to engineer a Norman Rockwell aura this holiday season, in spite of realities like resentful or rejecting stepchildren and out-of-control ex-wives (yes, this problem also intensifies over the holiday season. If the shoe doesn’t fit, friends of mine who are wonderful mothers and ex-wives, then a double holiday blessing to you. Good to know you exist!) All this can lead a woman with stepkids to feel less than generous, and to fret about becoming polarized over his kids showing up (he's dying to see them; she's, in many cases, depending on the ages and temperaments of, and history with the kids, dreading it).

So today I’m starting my ten-day countdown. Every day, another tip, thought, or something-or-other to help take you into the New Year.

I’d like to hear your tips, too—whether for relaxation strategies, great gifts for yourself and other stepmoms/partners, fun holiday rituals, you name it—so please share and I’ll pick some to post over the next days.

10 Day Countdown Tip #1
You know how they say the best way to get your finances on sound footing is to always pay yourself—your savings account, that is—first? Today’s tip is to apply that same lesson to spreading holiday cheer and kindness and generosity. Give some to you.

Give or buy yourself a present as you’re making or buying for others. Stepmothers I interviewed for my book Stepmonster were far from the selfish bitches of fairy tales. They mostly had the opposite problem, just like the women in Kati Morrison and Airdie Thompson-Guppy’s 1985 Canadian study of depleted, depressed and anxious stepmoms: namely, being waaayyyy too selfless left them feeling burned out and hopeless, while increasing their resentment of their stepchildren and spouses.

Have you checked out Peggy Nolan’s (of a Stepmom's Toolbox) thoughts about self care? It’s always nice to give yourself a little something, but it’s more than that. The self-care recommendation is clinically sound. We know that women with stepkids who do things and take time for themselves—including going to a movie by yourself, leaving the teen meltdown to your husband and retreating to take a bath, or just finding a quiet place to sit down and read a novel during the holiday ruckus—have better adjustment outcomes and happier partnerships.

Self-care is about more than showering yourself with gifts (but hey, go ahead)—it will get you into a mindset of paying attention to your own needs. And that’s the first, absolutely necessary step to being able to take care of others, too.

What's YOUR tip for surviving holiday stepfamily stress? Leave a comment...