I'm so appreciative of the recent media interest in Stepmonster, and all the opportunities I have had to bring stepmother reality into a more public forum thanks to the TV and radio producers who have had me on their shows. These people usually have open minds and plenty of smart questions, and are helping get out the message that understanding stepmother reality is the crucial — and so far missing — link in helping stepfamilies survive.

Unfortunately as you get into discussions about stepfamily issues and particularly issues regarding women with stepchildren, you also have to deal with quite a bit of ignorance. And depending on your mood, it can feel like an opportunity to make a difference in the way people think — or just frustrating to be encountering the bias, stereotypes and dumbthink once again. At the risk of sounding like a crank, here are a few of my least favorite things to hear about stepmothers and stepfamilies:

1. Stepmothers should stop whining and complaining. They chose it.

Nobody chooses to get into a partnership where she is unsupported and undermined as so many women with stepchildren find themselves. It happens if a father parents out of guilt and fear; if an ex-wife is resentful and/or exacerbates her child's loyalty binds; and if both mother and father practice permissive parenting or did when the children were younger. Until we start handing out flyers on the street warning the millions of women who will become stepmothers exactly what the difficulties are, let's think again about the formulations that women with stepchildren have a "choice." Choosing something isn't the same as finding yourself in it after you have committed to do something that seems reasonable at the outset — marry a guy with kids. Also let's give all stepparents some credit here — so many of them start out as part-time, non-residential stepparents and then, lo and behold, often without even being consulted, they are suddenly full-time stepparents, because Mom and Dad decide that it's okay for the kids to switch households.

Educating people isn't the same as "whining" and "complaining." The research is clear that for the vast majority of women, at some point or other and usually for quite a stretch, it's tough being a stepmother. A cordial invitation is hereby extend to all doubters to come walk an inch in our Manolos before sounding off again.

2. All parenting is hard. Stepparenting isn't so different. You stepmoms are blaming it all on being a stepmom, but you're no worse off than parents.

No, it's not a competition. But since doubters usually don't bother with the research, I'll summarize why stepparenting, and especially stepmothering, is, in fact, harder than parenting. Parents in a first marriage do NOT deal with two separate but linked households. They do not deal with an ex-spouse in the picture. They do not deal with the "percolator effect," something typical of STEPfamilies, a dynamic wherein power and the mood of the household bubble UP from the kids to affect the couple dyad. First families and first marriages are characterized, in contrast, by the dripolator effect, in which the hierarchy of the household "drips" down from the parents. Parents in first marriages do NOT deal with the phenomenon of stepfamily architecture, in which the stepparent is the "stuck outsider," often for years. While teens are rejecting of parents, they do so after years of building common ground together and the parent has their shared history to draw on. Stepparents usually have no such memories to draw on, and teens will be especially rejecting of them, considering them more expendable than a "real" parent. Finally, the research is clear that children resent getting a stepmother more than they resent getting a stepfather.

I could go on, but that should do to clear up any misconceptions about parenting being just as tough as stepparenting. I know from first-hand experience that both are grueling in their own way; I also know that the former doesn't hold a candle to the latter when it comes "difficulty."

3. All we ever hear about is stepmothers. It's stepFATHERS who have it tough. Why aren't you talking about that??!

It's certainly no picnic to be a stepparent of any kind. Plenty of stepkids make life rough for their stepfathers. However, since there are twice as many studies of stepfather families as of stepmother families, it seems important to close the gap in our knowledge about who stepmothers are and what they go through. Also the research (Mavis Hetherington's superb 30 year Virginia Longitudinal Study) is clear: children resent getting a stepmother far more than they resent getting a stepfather, and their resentment and hostility toward stepmothers is longer-lasting than it is toward a stepfather. Thankfully, we already know a great deal about stepfather families (the last three significant longitudinal studies on stepfamily life in the U.S., by Bray, Ahrons, and Hetherington, focused on stepfather families exclusively). So if you feel left out, just pick up a copy of one of the books just mentioned. They're ALL about stepfathers and stepfather families.

4. Some stepmothers really are horrible bitches. I know mine was!!

Whenever there's an accusation that a woman is a stepmonster, the research shows, there is likely a much wider sickness in the stepfamily system. There is likely to be a mother who is exacerbating her child's loyalty binds by giving him or her the sense that liking stepmom would be a betrayal of mom. There is likely to be a father who has refused to demonstrate to his child that he is committed to his marriage and that rudeness toward stepmom is not okay. And there is likely to be a child who had a difficult adolescence or other rough patch adjusting to the remarriage that he and stepmom didn't have the groundwork or support to get over afterwards. Still insisting your stepmother is 100% villain and you are 100% victim? You might want to ask yourself whether stepmom isn't acting as a lightning rod here. What was dad's role? Why did he allow this? Is it just easier to be angrier at stepmom than to admit that dad seems to have betrayed you? Is your real issue with him? Finally, how old are you now, and how far in the past does your antipathy toward your stepmother extend? Do you think you can get over this, or at least ask yourself whether things weren't a little more nuanced than you remember?

As for abusive and horrid stepmothers, I suppose that like abusive, horrid mothers, they are out there. But most people don't have them. The portraits draw in the last three decades of psychological and sociological research shows that most stepmothers are trying very, very, hard in a difficult and frequently thankless situation.