In spite of the brief snow flurries in Manhattan today, Spring is in the air. I know this because I am woefully underprepared for both Passover and Easter (sometimes, being part of an interfaith marriage means bungling two traditions). If memory serves, they are to be followed in short order by May weddings and graduations, after which there will be the long Memorial Day holiday, followed by June weddings and graduations, and along the way, sometimes as early as late April or early May if they're in college, the kids are off for a three or four month summer holiday.

If frantic emails from stepmothers I met in the course of researching my book are any indication, this is a stressful time for stepfamilies in general — and stepmothers in particular. "Great," one stepmother emailed me. "My college-aged stepson is going to pull his usual 'I'm-coming-oh-no-I'm-not-oh-yes-I-am-oh-mom-will-be-so-upset-if-I-go-to-you-instead-of-her' stunt for Easter. I'll be annoyed because I see it all as a bid for attention and power, and my husband will be stressed, then morose if his son doesn't show." Holidays, it's true, are a stepfamily flashpoint of sorts. Many of us know first-hand the repeated drama of promising to be there for the holiday dinner or brunch, then not making it. As a way to sort of steal the spotlight by default, or twist the knife a bit. "You got married again and had another family. So take that." It's not just about bunnies in baskets anymore, stepmothers know. The holidays can be rife with power struggles.

After these antics, many women who complain  of holiday/summer event stress tell me, it's hard to get excited about driving several hours to go to someone's graduation. "They sort of say 'Eff you' about Passover, and I'm in a frenzy trying to figure out how many people will be at the seder. And after that song and dance comes a graduation — theirs, or their cousin's, or someone's — where their mom is going to be, giving us dirty looks and telegraphing to her kids that if they're polite to me there will be hell to pay," Darcie lamented to me recently. It's true: at these kind of life transition ceremonies, stepmom is as likely to be treated to some "you're the outsider" behavior as she is to be hugged and welcomed. Even women who feel they've made real strides with their stepkids dread the acting out that so often colors events where mom, dad, and stepmom come together.

Our stepchildren's weddings can be an interpersonal landmine of sorts for the same reasons. You may or may not be involved in the planning; there may or may not be fireworks with your husband's ex over  your and your husband's level of involvement, money, and other details. Here's a suggestion: once you're there, you're almost home free. If it's a whole long-weekend affair and you're subjected to excluding behaviors, get to know the spa. You don't have to participate in every brunch, campfire, afterglow, and cheese tasting. Sometimes it can be hard enough to get through the "I-Do's" with all the nasty looks flying around. Have you tried tai massage?

On the other hand, with younger stepkids, you likely have summer break on your docket. Whether they're six or nineteen, your stepkids are probably going to spend some sunny weather time with you. And you're probably going to find it unseasonably stressful. If I had a dime for every woman with stepkids who told me that the summer break negotiations make her break out in a sweat, I would be posting this blog from my compound in Fiji, my friend. What makes summer break tough is the "burst of togetherness" aspect. Just when you're used to a rhythm of alternate weekends and every other holiday, you suddenly have a stepchild with you full time, eating all the Cheez-Its and leaving his towel on the floor. It's an adjustment, to put it mildly. Three or four months is a very. Very. Long. Time. We'll talk about it in another month ladies, I promise. Meanwhile, have a glass of wine.

Spring holidays and the spring/summer event season are no holiday for stepchildren, either. For the younger ones, there's the stress and loyalty binds that can feel torturous, especially if they are grilled about "What's dad up to" or "How is mom's new boyfriend?" Older stepkids don't get much of a reprieve, either. One friend who's an adult stepchild told me she's just about at her limit. Her husband is also an adult stepchild, and she reports, "Every Easter, Passover, you name it, we're in the car with our kids, driving and driving to keep everyone happy. We have to go to his mom and stepdad's, his dad and stepmom's, my mom's, and my dad and stepmom's. I swear I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. The holidays are NOT relaxing." It's certainly not easy or fun to placate a bunch of demanding codgers who want their "fair share" of time with their stepkids and stepgrandkids, and it's hell on the adult stepchildren.

Maybe that's payback of sorts, something to look forward to in our old age!