Why do some women with stepkids seem to have it so easy? Or, put another way, Why are you struggling when my friend Patty's co-worker is doing really well with being a stepmother?

The first reason is that women with stepkids don't always tell the whole story for fear of being judged. In spite of what your well meaning, totally ignorant friend thinks, her cousin's best friend's guitar teacher's sister is likely not telling the whole truth when she breezily responds that stepmothering is "fine." Why on earth would she tell the whole truth to and share the gory details with a relative stranger when she knows how harsh the judgment would be? In my experience, when you hear a story of a woman with stepkids who has "no problem with his kids whatsoever," you're hearing a highly edited version of the real story. A stepmother who seems not to struggle at all only seems that way.

And those women who really do have very happy outcomes and very little struggle are — wait for it — lucky. I don't say it to be nasty. Or to denigrate their achievement. But plenty of women work very, very hard at being stepmothers and don't have great outcomes. Those who do, do because all the factors that lead to stepmothering success are there, like when all the planets line up just so. The factors that lead to successful stepmother adjustment are:

1. A completely uninvolved, or completely supportive mother to the stepkids. This frees them from the loyalty binds that otherwise cripple stepmother/stepchild relations. When kids believe "Liking stepmom means killing mom," there's nothing much you can do. When, on the other hand, the kids' mom tells them she really wants them to have a relationship with you (as did the amazing Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author with her kids' stepmom Carole Marine of No One's the Bitch), things can fall into place and stepmom and stepkids can build a relationship. But you can't make her give her kids that permission, and most of the time, a mom doesn't.

2. A husband or partner who puts the marriage or partnership first (yes, first) and makes it clear to the kids that stepmom is cherished, here to stay, his partner for life, and to be respected. When he makes this hierarchy clear, everyone adjusts better, and his wife feels partnered and supported in ways that will help her navigate the normal sturm und drang of stepfamily life.

3. A developmental moment that works. Teens and young adults are notably unreceptive to getting a stepparent. It's part of their developmental imperative to separate, not to blend. Not much you can do about that.

4. A good temperamental match. You didn't raise them from birth. Their personalities, quirks and beliefs may be miles away from your own and incompatible with what you care about. In any case, the temperament of her stepkids, and how it fits with her own, is another one of those variables that we don't have control over.

There is unlikely, it's true, to be love all around all the time with your stepkids. Good enough, however, can truly be good enough. And your marriage or partnership can be strong and satisfying even if your relationship with your stepkids is imperfect. The key (or one of them) is remembering that almost all steprelations are imperfect. Given that reality, great expectations can lay you low. But lowering your expectations of what you "should" be able to achieve with his kids and how you ought to feel about them can help you feel good. Great, even.