Today's tip comes to you courtesy of Talia and Mary (thanks to you both) as well as Kela Price, one of my favorite stepmom coaches, of www.blendefamilysoapopera.com

It is: Let someone else do it!

Talia says that after bad behavior from her stepkids around gifts the last few years, "I am taking a laid-back, hands-off approach this year." She's letting their dad choose their gifts. I suggest she also let him wrap them and, if Talia and her husband keep their finances separate, pay for them. These kids want gifts from Daddy, not Talia, anyway. Until they're out of their loyalty binds, exacerbating them by giving gifts will work against Talia.

Mary writes that "There will be no bending over backwards [for resentful stepkids who don't appreciate the effort this holiday season]...it is a set-up for criticism and hurt feelings down the road." Brava. By making the holidays normal and inclusive, rather than treating the kids like royalty to be pandered to, everyone wins. So have kids of all ages involved in meal planning, preparation, serving and clean-up as possible. Little ones can make holiday art or placecards for guests. This way the kids feel like part of the life of the couple rather than "special guests," and the stepparent feels less depleted and resentful.

And here's Kela:
Delegate!
by Kela Price,
www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com
This holiday season, delegate, delegate, delegate! Don’t feel the need to do everything for everybody. If you cook, let your husband clean up or shop for the ingredients. Allow the kids to wrap presents for dad and you can even give them an age appropriate cooking task as well. Tell your husband to wrap his kids’ Christmas gifts. Make everything a team effort in order to decrease your chances of feeling burned out and resentful.

Of course delegating requires that you do it the right way. You have to communicate with your partner about it all. Talk about plans for the holidays and realistic expectations ahead of time with your spouse, and be as honest as possible. Resist the urge to fall into your people pleasing tendencies during this time of year and talk about what YOU expect. If your stepchildren don’t like you and don’t mind showing it, explain to your husband that you expect them to be respectful and courteous (they should be doing this all year long) during this time, so that they don’t create tension for other guests who might be invited to Christmas dinner. It is also helpful to discuss with your husband, what you expect of him. Often times, divorced dads seem to be even more permissive with not only the kids, but the ex-wife, during this time of year. Talk about these issues AHEAD of time! If you don’t discuss these issues ahead of time, you are likely to fall into the “for the sake of the kids” rituals and end up serving turkey and dressing to your husband, his kids and the ex-wife; all while they discuss old times and relive what once was. Explain the importance of creating new family traditions so that you ALL can move forward instead of being stuck in reverse.

Thanks Mary, Talia, and Kela for this great tip.