I recently spoke with Susan Davis-Swanson of The Stepfamily Center in Beverly Hills. Susan is a therapist and stepmother herself, and she has a truly expert, compassionate sense of what women with stepchildren and stepfamilies go through. On Mother's Day, I found her thoughts about the (impossible?) task of building a family culture where no one is an outsider especially insightful and reassuring. Susan is here addressing her remarks to those of us who are stepmothers and then have a baby of our own. The birth of a baby is an exciting, exhausting time for the mother — and a stepfamily flashpoint.

The only thing I would add to Susan's remarks here is that, on Mother's Day especially, don't worry about not loving your stepkids "just like they're your own." It's not a reasonable standard for the majority of us, because they're not our own, and luckily they likely already have two parents who love them like crazy. Susan's website (see my resources list) is full of great information, too.

Susan on having a new baby — and stepkids:
Like everything else in stepfamily life, building a family culture where nobody is or feels like the outsider can be very challenging. There are so many moveable parts in a stepfamily that you can have all the best intentions but there are so many things unknown (i.e., what loyalty bind the stepchildren are in; what is being said about you and your husband in the other household; their mom's sadness about this not being her having a baby with their dad, her ex, and the kids knowing this; the children’s own feelings of jealousy and their fears of more loss). Still, if the stepchildren are a part of the family on a consistent basis, they could bond with the baby, especially if they are assured that they are not being replaced (their biggest fear). And if they didn’t get the type of love and attention by their bio moms that they see you giving the baby, there is likely to be resentment and, of course, jealousy.

But, remember, in a nuclear family a new baby can bring up many of these same emotions. So big brothers and sisters can “help” with the baby and play with the baby, and the baby can give them love and make them laugh. These experiences can become part of the new experiences of your stepfamily. Dad can talk to his other children about what they were like as babies and you can all hear the stories or put up everyone’s baby pictures, which can also develop deeper bonds. But if the stepchildren are infrequent “guests” in the house, it will be harder for them to feel like insiders. In fact, it may exacerbate their feelings of being cast aside. Be sensitive to these issues with the stepchildren by talking about them together, as a family.