Different Rules, Different Homes It can drive a woman with stepkids crazy!

My friend and colleague Martin Babits, L.C.S.W., is someone I turn to often for advice and insight. After all, he is the author of The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple's Guide to Renewing Your Relationship, a book that taught me a great deal about how to seek out common ground with my husband, even on the issues about which it often feels we have none — including the issue of his kids.

That's why I turned to Marty when a reader asked for advice about how to handle a common but frustrating situation. She lives with her husband and his two children from a previous marriage. At mom’s house the rules in that house are extremely lax, and no chores are required of them. In my reader’s home she has tried to institute some basic rules – the children are expected to put dishes in the dishwasher, make their bed, speak respectfully to adults. Violations of the rules are met with a five or ten minute time-out as a consequence. The kids are 6 and 10. Dad says he is “fine with having rules in the house but does not want to give consequences.” She writes, “Can you give me some insight into this?”

Martin Babits answers:

It may be cold comfort but you are far from alone in the thankless position of trying to impose a code of conduct that the stepchildren – because it is not supported by either of their original parents – have implicit permission to disregard entirely! It’s a classic step-mom bind, a textbook example of the “step-mom as outsider” scenario, a set-up. But it’s also an opportunity for some important family structural work to get done between you and your husband.

Here is what I recommend: You need to begin the kind of dialogue with your husband in which you nudge him far enough out of his comfort zone that he can begin to understand your perspective. If he does understand it, he is living in denial; either way, you must approach him to establish a new way to approach the issue. I envision this strategy as an attempt, by you, to give him the best kind of heads up possible about the help you need from him along with some hints about how he can deliver that help to you – for the sake of your stepfamily, without involving the ex-wife directly. You want to frame this –think tone of voice – gently but firmly.

Although being frustrated in this situation is understandable and perfectly normal, keep the reason behind your frustration – which is also the purpose of the house rules – in mind: you are frustrated at not being allowed to play a more central (and appropriate) role in your family; your place should not be on the margins of the family structure. You want this reality – that you are sticking your neck out in order to give yourself, you husband and his kids something they need! – to be appreciated by your husband.

If he grasps this, at the least, the children’s behavior will no longer threaten to put a wedge between you and your husband. And since your relationship with your husband is the core of the stepfamily now, this will be a meaningful outcome! The girls ability to feel secure in the stepfamily is proportional to your sense of emotional safety in your relationship with your husband; this is a basic tenet of step-family life.

Your mission is to help everyone achieve a better feeling about themselves (yourself included) – not to restrict anyone’s self-esteem but to develop it; and, along the way, to enlist your husband’s help in supporting your resolve to do this. Dad needs to understand that he is being asked to make a change for the sake of his daughter’s development, and to strengthen his relationship with you; these two variables, in the step-family, are closely intertwined.

It’s important that he not misinterpret what you are doing as a bid for control of him and the kids so it would probably help if you bring this possible misunderstanding up directly and, should he have any thoughts or feelings along these lines, attempt to neutralize them with the logic stated above - about how following reasonable rules of accountability are important to the children’s core development.

NB readers: Marty's book is chock full of exercises and suggestions that will support you going forward in fortifying your relationship with your husband, creating a family culture where you feel like and are an insider, and giving your stepkids the care and attention they deserve, not to mention giving them the reassuring sense that in your household, the grownups are in charge.