I have heard from a number of you about Judith Graham's story in the Dec 24th issue of the New York Times health section. This is the kind of story the media loves, about "co-wives" who get along great and become BFFs. Sure, it's a nice and heartwarming story of one woman caring for another. Unfortunately, the media's fixation with these types of stories about "the ex wife and the new wife who are best pals," and the readers' comments — "Most divorced people I know stay friends after," etc. — naively and damagingly imply that repartnership with children is "easy" if everybody is just "nice." And that, if you don't have your parnter's ex for the holidays (or to your wedding), and if you aren't "close," there is something "wrong" with you.

Anyone who studies stepfamily dynamics knows these standards are absurd, but social pressure can be tremendous. Buck the pressure this holiday season by surrounding yourself with your friends who understand and support you; having realistic expectations about stepfamily dynamics; and rejecting the requirement that looking, feeling and acting "just like a first family" and being close to your husband's ex are the only meaningful measures of partnership or stepfamily success. No, Virginia, there is no requirement that you work miracles this holiday season. Just enjoy! xx wednesday