Today I spoke to a woman with three stepchildren — she was thoughtful, articulate, and obviously very well-versed in stepfamily issues — who told me, in somewhat hushed tones, that she didn't like the term "stepmom," and didn't want her husband's kids to refer to her that way. "They already have a mom, and she's great, and I just don't want to share that name or create confusion. I don't want to be called that."

If she expected me to judge her, she was wrong. First of all, she was brilliantly managing not only to say what she preferred, but loosen the kid's loyalty binds to boot, doing everyone in the picture a favor. And after all, for the first four years of my marriage, whenever my husband referred to us as a "blended family" I felt apoplectic. It sounded utterly hypocritical and false to e. We weren't blended — whatever that was supposed to mean — in the least, and I didn't aspire to it. We were having all the normal conflicts, negotiations and problems that define stepfamily life in the early years. And so I aspired, rather, to a measure of peaceful coexistence, to friendly, less-charged, less-strained relations with each other and his girls than we had initially. What was this blending nonsense? We didn't even live together! I felt so vindicated when I learned that the National Stepfamily resource center was urging therapists and the media to cease using the term "blended family" since it engineered unrealistic expectations, creating unnecessary stress for stepfamilies.

Stepfamily semantics are never simple. Adult stepchildren I interviewed for my book sometimes struggled with what to call their stepmothers. One woman in her thirties referred to her stepmother as "my dad's wife, or whatever she is," indicating the very real confusion she felt about their relationship when she herself was an independent adult.

In my book I use the term "woman with stepchildren" rather than "stepmother" whenever I can. I don't want to subsume myself, my identity, to that role, when there are so many other things I do and am. And I want women to remember that, while stepmothering can be a draining, difficult, and overwhelming experience, we all remain interesting people with plenty going for us, even when we feel that we are failing in the stepmothering department.

For one of my stepdaughters, the issue seems to be relatively uncomplicated. She refers to me and her father as "Dad and Wednesday" or "my dad and my stepmom" and, sometimes, "my parents in New York." And for my seven-year-old son, my husbands daughters are simply "my sisters." For those of us who are somewhat maternal figures living with or involved with children who are not our own, it will likely take a while to come up with a word that we're comfortable with. I'm open to suggestions...