"How can I decrease my sense of resentment when it comes to my partner's kids?" you readers keep writing and asking. Or, how to "witness that a stepchild has problems — whether it's that he or she doesn't try in school, is spoiled by mom and dad, is entitled or irresponsible, hasn't developed key and age-appropriate life skills, or acts out in any number of ways — rather than experience it viscerally" and be torn apart by it?

In the end, problems between women and their stepchildren of any age can be traced to problems with the couple. If you have a partner or a husband or wife with whom you share a common vision of your stepparental role; who communicates to his kids that you are to be respected at the very least, and that you're not going anywhere and treating you like a piece of furniture is not okay; then whatever his kids and ex throw at you, you can withstand. It's not necessarily going to be fun at some points, but if you're in an equitable partnership, you can survive just about anything steplife presents.

If your partnership is not there yet, there are steps you can take in the interim to reduce your resentment of stepchildren of any age who act out toward you or are simply ungrateful for your efforts on their behalf. Most importantly, you have got to start doing less. Today. This instant. Listen: Stepmartyrs are complicit in their mistreatment by his kids. In fact, stepmartyrs engineer their own mistreatment by his kids. No one can make you a stepmartyr but you. And you can stop it, too. Most women who write to me about finding steplife unbearable mention doing and doing and doing for his kids — and never receiving any acknowledgment whatever — let alone thanks.

So why do you keep doing it? Do you think it's your job to be a stepmartyr? Who put you up to this? Is anyone holding a gun to your head? I doubt it. You've got to relax your expectations of yourself — radically and dramatically — and stop doing much of anything for anyone who doesn't appreciate it if you are feeling depleted, resentful, and angry about your stepkids and your marriage or partnership.

Call it whatever you want — disengaging, stepping back, dialing it down — the words don't matter but the reframing of your role, the redefining of your expectations of yourself, does.

Techniques for distancing themselves from unappreciative stepchildren that women with stepkids and experts alike have suggested to me all have one thing in common: they strive to transform the woman from a "stepmartyr" into a person who is healthily empowered and central in her household.

-Stop doing housework for your stepkids. Unless they are very little, they can wash their own dishes, help with dinner, make their own beds. Big ones can do their own laundry and sheets. Or their dad can. Or he can hire a cleaning person, if you have the financial flexibility for that. If you don’t feel like a maid, you might actually enjoy time with your stepkids. Or at least resent them less. "What do I do about the dishes piling up in the sink and the unfed dogs?" you wrote. You can have a conversation with your partner about the fact that you are going to be dialing back your involvement a bit for the sake of your marriage and your ability to have a relationship with his kids down the road — so this won't come as a surprise. And so that, when the dishes pile up, it's clear that they're not yours to wash.
-Keep separate finances to lessen your sense that you are their financial maid as well. Think about it.
-Top your reserve tank off before a weekend or holiday together by doing something you want — and giving the kids or adult kids time alone with dad to boot. When they first show up, do something indulgent and satisfying for yourself (rather than just “hiding out” and feeling exiled from your own home). What would YOU like to do? Massage? Pedicure? Night out with friends? You might find that in this way, you actually look forward to his kids showing up. I’m not kidding. Or at least you'll have a nice pedicure.
-Establish a rule that the couple gets to spend time alone when his kids are around, no matter what. If they’re visiting, make time to go for a walk without them. If the kids are in residence, weekly date night is a must. I say this as a person whose own date nights are notoriously lame (we once went to the post office and then Starbucks for our “date night,” but as least we got out). One smart couples therapist I know requires his couples in a remarriage with children who have weekend visitation to spend Monday morning after the kids leave alone together unless it’s utterly impossible. This way you reconnect after what may have been a stressful couple of days. Or even a fun couple of days without a lot of down time together.
-A written stepfamily contract. That’s right, a document you and your husband or partner come up with together to get on the same page about what’s to be expected of his kids of any age when they’re around. It might be a charged undertaking, but it can also help you and your partner come to an understanding about what you each expect. Depending on their age, dad might expect them to sign the contract, too. It can spell out what is no longer okay (ex. “taking stepmom’s stuff without asking” or “swearing at stepmom,” “smoking in the house,” etc.) but also sweeten the deal and make you seem reasonable with offers like “some alone time with dad every time you’re here.” For adult stepkids, this can be a contract between you and your husband about what you can both reasonably expect of one another when his kids are around.
-Bulwark, bulwark, bulwark to decrease your sense of being overwhelmed and outnumbered and on duty. Have YOUR friends in the house when his kids of any age show up. Make plans for people who help you feel supported and understood on hand all around you the entire time his kids are around. Isolation is your worst enemy so buoy yourself with pals. In your house. As needed. Call in for reinforcements.

"How do I sell this to my husband?" Good question. Let's be strategic here. It never helps, no matter how angry you are, to come across that way. Men are notoriously quick to retreat in the face of female rage, no matter how righteous! So present yourself to your husband as what you truly are: sad, disappointed, and needing to give this one more try. "I think that part of the reason I'm so resentful of your kids is that I'm doing too much. I think if I did less, it wouldn't matter that they don't always remember to say 'thank you' or that they sometimes don't acknowledge me at all. I might be able to salvage my warm feelings for them, and those feelings might even grow, if I were less resentful." Explain to your partner that, since these kids aren't yours, you need to be extra careful about allowing a relationship to grow — since it's not an automatic thing — and that stepping back and doing less is one way experts recommend you do this.

You can explain the bulwarking in the same way. The more buoyed and supported you are, the less vulnerable you will feel — and be. That's better for not only you but for your partnership and your relationship with his kids down the line.

Tell me about it — what are YOUR techniques to decrease your resentment of stepchildren who do not acknowledge your efforts — or perhaps even your presence? What has worked for you?