You might know from reading my blog and/or my book that I tend to look to sociology, human behavioral ecology, history, and even literary theory when I'm trying to explain what happens in stepfamilies and why women with stepkids think, feel, and act the way we do. I don't think psychology alone can adequately explain our culture's deep suspicion of and antipathy toward stepmothers. And I don't believe that we can "fix" a stepmother's situation by exploring her feelings in isolation, or focusing on what she alone is bringing to the table. Stepfamily systems are complex, everyone plays a role in the difficulty that often reigns, and too often, a stepmother who is demonized by the kids and her husband or partner as "the problem" feels herself further demonized by therapy that focuses on "her issues," as if those issues are not linked to actual dysfunction within the couple and stepfamily.

My friend and colleague Stephanie Newman, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst, has helped numerous women in difficult step situations over the years — including me — by asking why we might give and give without reciprocity, or choose situations that are ungratifying and then feel compelled, at some level, to simply endure them. And more than once, Dr. Newman has helped an adult stepchild re-think "what happened" with stepmom. For example, she tells us, a stepchild who talks about an envious, unkind stepmother is often projecting his or her own disavowed feelings of jealousy and anger about being displaced onto a convenient target — Dad's Wife.

Most recently, Stephanie Newman has been thinking, writing, and lecturing about women trapped in sadomasochistic reenactments — patterns of self-sabotage rooted in early childhood experience. Yes, she tells us, these patterns can be reversed. As I read more and more emails from women with stepkids trapped in psychologically unhealthy situations where they sacrifice endlessly or fail again and again to assert themselves in healthy ways in their partnership and household, I wonder how many of us may be unconsciously repeating early childhood patterns that are destructive to us. Stephanie's work is always smart and accessible. Have a look at her recent guest post for my Stepmonster blog on Psychology Today...and leave a comment!