Why do some women with stepkids seem to have it so easy? Or, put another way, Why are you struggling when my friend Patty's co-worker is doing really well with being a stepmother?
In my last post I considered just how unrealistic the expectation that women married to men with kids will be able to win those kids over with warmth, kindness, and good intentions alone is.
The expectations that others have of women with stepkids — and that we have of ourselves — are beyond huge, greater than great. They are enormous, outsized, and the root of much evil (or at least the cause of much misery and divorce).
As a mother, I've felt tremendous relief and validation as writers (whether they're blogging or publishing in traditional print media) have recently blown the lid off the secrets lives and feelings of mommies. They have all my gratitude and respect for letting the cat out of the bag regarding the aspects of motherhood that were not spoken of much until recently. Like how mind-numbingly dull it can be sometimes to keep up your end of a conversation with a five-year-old, how infuriating it is to sunblock a toddler, and how you're ready for a drink (or at least a massage) by 10 a.m. some days.
Recently, after getting some great national publicity — and some notably nasty blowback from a few adult stepchildren and women whose husbands had divorced them and then remarried — I was trying to figure out why our society's suspicion of and anger toward women with stepkids runs so deep.
One of the biggest points of confusion and controversy as I talk to people about Stepmonster and stepmother reality is the injunction, "Put the kids first" and "The kids should always come first" and other variations on this theme. It's become a virtual mantra since Constance Ahrons introduced the idea of "The Good Divorce" and highly cooperative co-parenting after a breakup as ideal for the kids. The members of the ex-couple, Mom and Dad, should put their differences aside, Ahrons urges, for the sake of a more harmonious "bi-nuclear family" or divorced family that spans two households. This will spare the kids from ugly, painful loyalty binds and help with their adjustment to the shattering of family life as they knew it.
There's no emotion more taboo for a woman with stepchildren to admit to feeling (let alone actually express) than jealousy. And there's no more potent stereotype than a green-eyed stepmonster. Who wants to be that ugly cliche? No one. And so we bend over backwards, many of us, and protest too much, insisting that we would never, ever, ever Feel Like That.
Thank you to those who emailed me about having physically violent stepchildren. I plan to send out questionnaires to all who email me expressing interest in participating in my research on the topic. If I am slow to respond, it is only because of the overwhelming number of emails I am receiving. Please be patient as I really do want to know about your experiences, and will do my best to be in touch a week or two after receiving your email.
La Belle Mere, a self-described "sprogless Brit stepmum blogger" who likes her "fags and adult bevvies" (I'm paraphrasing here) has written a three part series about why women with stepchildren sometimes feel inadequate, unhinged, and frankly insane.
I'll be discussing Stepmonster and stepmother reality this Tuesday, August 4th on NPR's "On Point," a two hour show airing on more than 150 NPR stations coast to coast (translation: you can run from Stepmonster, but you can't hide!)