Today I spoke to a woman with three stepchildren — she was thoughtful, articulate, and obviously very well-versed in stepfamily issues — who told me, in somewhat hushed tones, that she didn't like the term "stepmom," and didn't want her husband's kids to refer to her that way. "They already have a mom, and she's great, and I just don't want to share that name or create confusion. I don't want to be called that."
While I was researching my book, I was fascinated to discover that there is plenty of stepparenting in the animal world. Evolutionary biologist Stephen T. Emlen, for example, studied some Kenyan birds, the White Fronted Bee Eaters, and discovered uncanny similarities between their families and ours. Bee Eaters live in rather large communal apartments — okay, they're really giant bird houses in mud banks, but you get the idea. They help extended family members with provisioning and childcare (yes, juvenile bee eaters actually babysit their younger offsprings and cousins) and they also "divorce" (that's what ornithologists call it) after a nesting failure (i.e., no chicks in a breeding season). After which the Bee Eaters will "repartner." That's right, get married again.
If you don't know about www.stepchicks.ning.com, you will want to check it out. It's a web site for stepmothers — in the sassy and smart, we-know-you-have-a-life-apart-from-being-a-stepmom vein.
As I researched my book over the last three years, lots of women with older and adult stepchildren shared with me their sense of frustration upon discovering that stepparenting isn't just suddenly over or easier once the kids turn 18, or 21, or move out of the house. Sometimes, a father's emotional commitments and financial contributions continue into a stepchild's thirties and beyond. We're not talking about caring and spotting someone $20 for cab fare here. Women have told me stories of husbands who unilaterally decide to pay a thirty-something child's rent for the long haul, or remain embroiled in unhealthy emotional dynamics more suited to a parent and an adolescent.
Brenda Ockun, president and publisher of StepMom Magazine, is blogging about Stepmonster, which she has called "nothing short of amazing." Brenda is running an interview with me about why I wrote the book and what I'm trying to accomplish. Short answer: to tell the woman with stepchildren's side of the story for once! And to go beyond lecturing, "shoulds," and over-simplified advice to explore what stepmothering really is, in depth. Check out Brenda's mention of Stepmonster at http://stepmommag.wordpress.com/ She is also going to feature Stepmonster in her upcoming May issue.
Thanks to those of you who responded to my previous post about wanting to interview women who had young stepkids and then a baby for an article I'm working on for a national parenting magazine. I appreciate your willingness to be interviewed and look forward to talking to you.
If you married or partnered with a guy with kids, then had a child with him, I would love to hear from you. I am writing a story about women in this situation for a national parenting magazine. I will protect your privacy by changing your name and identifying details. Please email me at wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com if you'd like to share your experience. Thanks!
In spite of the brief snow flurries in Manhattan today, Spring is in the air. I know this because I am woefully underprepared for both Passover and Easter (sometimes, being part of an interfaith marriage means bungling two traditions). If memory serves, they are to be followed in short order by May weddings and graduations, after which there will be the long Memorial Day holiday, followed by June weddings and graduations, and along the way, sometimes as early as late April or early May if they're in college, the kids are off for a three or four month summer holiday.
Did you catch Oprah yesterday? The theme was "Secrets of Motherhood," and women were cutting loose (http://www.oprah.com/dated/oprahshow/oprahshow-20090311-secret-lives-moms). I laughed out loud at the story of a mom who was driving down the highway with all of her kids asleep in the backseat — bliss! A few moments, perhaps even an hour, of quiet to look forward to! But what to do about the fact that she was dying to pee? If she pulled over at a rest stop the crowd would wake up and make her life hell again, after all. So, like any self-respecting mom in desperate need of silence and a potty, she hauled a diaper out of the nearby diaper bag — and used it. You also have to give it up for the mom who said she thinks the secret of discipline is for your kids to think you're a little bit crazy and they just don't know what you might do next. Case in point: she threatened her daughter that if she continued to misbehave, Mom would get rid of ALL her toys. Her warning went unheeded — so she made good on her promise. Swooping into the room with a big garbage bag, she spirited every toy away, Grinch-style: "There wasn't so much as a Lego left." She left her kid high and dry for 24 hours, then returned the stash. But the lesson lives on: "All I have to do is get a certain crazy look in my eye," the woman reports, "and she knows I mean business."
The media is in love with the term "blended family." From U.S.A. Today to Star magazine to the New York Times, from 20/20 to Oprah, there's no escaping the articles about repartnering with children that don't just label such families "blended," but further suggest that "blending = success." That is, not blended = failed stepfamily.